relief & realization

Posted on October 10th, 2006 by John.
Categories: Meditations on Scripture, Our Journey, Our Journey (chronological).

It has taken until today to find out the results of last week’s blood work. But everything is indeed normal. HCG levels are climbing appropriately, and the ultrasound looked good. Whew…

If all goes well, maybe we’ll not write much more of “Our Journey” on this website. This is, after all, intended to be a source of hope and comfort for those who find through infertility a struggle to hold on to joy and faith. Our purpose is to be sympathetic and advocatess particularly to those living that struggle, and it probably does little good to continue to talk about our pregnancy.

I’d like to just say one thing about the tablespoon of blood last week that scared us both pretty severely. From what we’ve read, it seemed a little late to be the embryo embedding in the uterine wall (although from my uneducated perspective I like to think of it as maybe the embryo nestling into a more preferable location). We don’t really know why there was bleeding. But ever since, it has occurred to me that this will hardly be the last time I worry about the life of my son or daughter. This will happen many many more times, well beyond 40 weeks.

And I am reminded especially that if all my focus on the fetus his/herself — and not the God who is mysterious in His providence and whose grace is sufficient — then I’m bound to experience the wrong sort of concern.

Lord, I commit this little one to Your awesome care.

Continuing to memorize Psalm 30:

You restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Sing praises to the Lord, all you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name!
For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Are you one reading this who doubts if you’ll ever acheive pregnancy? Claim this – it is true. His anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Please register to write for this blog and help me make it a beacon of hope for all who are childproof.

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the sacrifice of Isaac

Posted on October 4th, 2006 by Abby.
Categories: Meditations on Scripture, Our Journey, Our Journey (chronological).

I’ve been experiencing light brown discharge on & off for a few weeks, but last night I bled dark red, about 1 tablespoon. I am overcome with fear that I am miscarrying. Could it be ectopic? Could it be dead already, an awful end to our hopes? I can barely sleep, but I called several obstetricians in the morning to see if I can get in on an emergency basis. Two of them tell me to go to the ER. Finally, one office told me they can see me.

I’m not still bleeding, and I never had any pain; that’s why I was hesitant to go to the ER (plus the wait there is so agonizing…)

The ob/gyn did a pelvic exam and said everything seemed to be fine – no blood, closed cervix. She sent me to do bloodwork and an ultrasound, which was a relief. The results come tomorrow. I feel much more hopeful now that things are going to be okay!

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expectation and fear

Posted on September 28th, 2006 by John.
Categories: Meditations on Scripture, Our Journey, Our Journey (chronological).

Just a week since we found out Abby was pregnant, and the journey of pregnancy is so opposite the journey of infertility. Just a few weeks ago I was feeling pretty much at the end, spiritually speaking, and now an immense burden has been lifted. I have begun memorizing Psalm 30. Here’s what I have so far:

I will extol You, O Lord, for you have drawn me up,
and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O Lord, my God, I cried to you for help,
and you answered me.
O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol.
You restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

I don’t believe I have ever laughed as freely or as often as I have this week. There is something so unpracticed and wonderful about laughter.

And then a chilling email this afternoon reminded why I am writing this blog, why I intend to take hopeforthechildproof.net online, and why, for the rest of my life, I feel in a certain sense bound to a ministry to others who grieve through infertility. The wife of our church’s youth group leader, who was expecting their first child just a few weeks before ours, just miscarried. This on top of Abby’s best friend miscarrying her second pregnancy earlier this year. Aside from the fact that these are grim reminders that our own positive pregnancy test is a few miracles shy of holding our own child, my heart is moved to feel their pain, and once again I am wrestling with the mystery of how God can show himself compassionate and worthy of worship in the context of such tragedy.

They are well connected, both within our church, and from the seminary he attends. They will survive this bitter trial because friends stand by them, even if they can’t fully bear their emotional hardship. I am not particularly close to either one of them. But I feel that God has shown me how to be one of these friends.

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